The emptyness is excrutiating, an unborn sun waiting waiting to be born to the world.
The tremors start slow, and slowly build up, as well as the pain, and a low almost subsonic rumble begins to permate everything.
Then comes the pain.
First its almost not noticeable, but as the tremors increase in violence, and the rumble begins to subside, the pain flares up as the burning sun begins to force its way into existance, pushing itself into the world through a tiny rip in reality, with the weight of galaxies behind it.
The pain increases to unmeasureable levels, as the burning sun enters the world, but yet it still doesnt give entirely birth to itsels, but seems content to stay halfway born, radiating scorching heat and pain into the world, as it sees the world for the first time.
The inflaming pain is now unbearable, and with a scream borne out of the beginning of the universe, it finally rips a hole all the way through, and is born into the world in agonizing pain and flames.
As it hits the water in the bowl, the return splash of cold, almost freezing water soothes the pain somewhat, but still leaves a burning pain lingering, as the water starts to drip back into the bowl.
At that point i decide Ill never eat that much chili with my shawarma after a hard nights drinking bilge.
Hello, and welcome to my world.
In a world of endless opportunities, possibilites, intellektual advances, technology and wealth, who am I, and why would I start by telling about something as unsavory as bowel movements?
Well, because Im neither rich, successfull, strikingly handsome or living a life in luxury, Im an ordinary guy.
Im middle aged, closing in fast on my first midlife crisis, slightly overweight, and the grey hairs are starting to show. Along with the declining hairling - where apparantly my hair believes itself to be much safer nestled on my back, than on my head, my inspiring lovelife - which consists mostly of various randy internet websites, and my fantastic job - which involves actually finding a job, why would you want to read about me?
Because Im a super hero.
Ha! I got you there! You thought i was a superhero! oh my god, thats just priceless.
Well, actually - Im no super hero, but I do have super powers. Kinda. Sometimes.
So what are my great super powers?
Can I soar through the sky with a beautiful woman pleasing me orall... ehm I mean with a beautiful woman in my arms?
Do i have X-ray and laser vision with which to spot bad guys through walls, and disable them in dazzling displays of pyrokinetics? (yeah, and i know you were thinking about doing other stuff with the x-ray vision than what i just wrote... admit it!)
Do i have the power of 100 men, and hold collapsing buildings while brave firefighters rescue the ragged survivors?
Can I bend time and space, and control the destiny of our race?
Nope, nope, nope and nope.
So what can I do? Well I can change things! (no Obama, you dont own the frase.)
So its telekinesis?
Why arent I rich and successfull then?
Why havent I affected the outcome of the lottery and become a millionnaire?
Why havent I changed the genes of mankind to evolve into a higher species, by manipulating the atoms in our brains (ha!, as if I had the multiple PHDs to know what atoms to alter - if I tried, the subject would probably end up as a screaming baboon with an anal fixation - kinda like Ahmadinejad).
Why havent I disarmed all bullets and rockets and created world peace?
Well, the problem is that i DO have the ability to change things. Kinda. Sometimes.
Just not always when i want to change things - or the way i want to change them.
When i first found out that i had the ability, I was a huge Wolverine fan, and thought it would be really cool to go crusading in the night, defending the weak of society with a set of kickass unbreakable claws. So i tried to get the same claws that Wolverine has. It worked! Somewhat... Between each knuckle, where the claws should be, Instead of kickass cool badguy-rippers, had managed to spring into life 3 delicious huge lactating pimples.
Another time, again in my somewhat wild puberty, we had a really sexy teacher. Atleast back then, I thought she was really sexy - even though she had armpits that would make Chewbacca jealoux, and seemed to think that showering was something that happened to other people.
But she did have one (actually two) things that would intice a teen boy in the rages of puberty; Breasts - and we are talking melon sized ones here - so big that apparently she had given up finding bra´s in the right size, and had decided that the bra burning days of the 60´s werent over yet.
So on a warm summer day, during a boring lecture on the ramifications of western diseased into the native population of some country, I tried using my ability for the first time.
She was wearing an extremely tight sexy tank-top, and leaning suggestively over the table while prattling on and on about the subject of the day. Offcourse when i think back, it wasnt as much "leaning suggestively" as it was "leaning to relieve her back of the weight of her two gallonsized milkdispensors" - and the tank tops only claim to sexiness was its tightness, seeing as how the baking heat of the day had created two growing stains under each armpit, along with moisture dripping from the armpit-hair that had excaped the tight prison of the tank-top.
But as I said - as a teenage boy in puberty, the only thing i noticed was the cleavage calling out to me suggestively. I had also noticed, that the cleave had a tiny rip in it
The tiny rip started filling my entire world, and as i focused more and more on it, i could see it slowly getting larger (the rip, not what you are thinking about you dirty bastard!).
I willed it to get larger and larger, and to my profound enjoyment, the rip continued growing, now it was the length of a fingernail.
As i focussed all my will into the rip, it suddenly happened. From the size of a fingernail, the rip suddenly exploded in size, like a waterballoon shattering, the breasts ripped themselves out in the open, the tank top flapping away for the emerging masses, emerging into the world as two newborn babyheads.
It was a good day.
